


Swan Dive

by twelvemorestopsandhome



Series: Some Assembly Required [4]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, but then also hopefulness?, post 4x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1868931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twelvemorestopsandhome/pseuds/twelvemorestopsandhome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are all scared. Especially Mickey. But that's not the same as being afraid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swan Dive

**Author's Note:**

> so this is partially based on a post on tumblr I saw about Mickey being a scared little boy so I ran with that and partially based on the pre-chorus from Sister Hazel's Swan Dive (see title)

_you know I'm scared..._

*

It's late. Or early. Time isn't the same in the Milkovich house as it is elsewhere. Everyone works nights at some stage during the week and so meals and and showers and sleep happen at bizarre times of the day. You never really know who's awake at the same time you are.

 

He finds Ian sitting up in bed. He doesn’t say anything for a moment as he moves around the room but he can feel Ian's eyes on him. Ian lets out a sigh that Mickey doesn't know how to read.

 

“How are you feeling?” Mickey mumbles.

 

“Could you please stop asking me that?” the reply comes instantly and dismissively, even though Mickey hasn't asked him that in days. “You're really not gonna like the answer.”

 

“Tell me anyway.” Mickey insists.

 

“Seriously, if you ask me how I am one more time I will take a knife to your fucking throat.”

 

Mickey is silent for a moment before shrugging “better _my_ throat than yours.”

 

“Aren't you scared?” Ian asks and it sounds threatening.

 

“I ain't fucking scared of you, Gallagher.”

 

_Liar_

 

*

 

He's too scared to touch him. Initially, he just didn't want to. A constant reminder of the damage that had been done but now he doesn't feel worthy, good enough. Because Mickey is broken and this child is so not. _Yet_. Because Mickey doesn't want to be responsible for the continuing line of miserable Milkovichs. No-one tells him _“you're not your father”_ or _“you won't be like him”_ \- so when Yvegeny cries and no-one else is around, Mickey truly believes he's the reason his son is crying.

 

*

 

She sits down beside him on the front step. He chews his lip and and she sips from her glass.

 

“I don't want him anywhere near our son. I don't want him near _any_ of us.” Svetlana growls fiercely.

 

“And you think I do?” Mickey snaps and she looks away.

 

Mickey thinks this is the first time he's ever seen her scared. She too, after all, has experienced first hand the damage and destruction Terry Milkovich is capable of.

 

“He's either never going to come near us again or he's gonna try to kill me...again.” Mickey reasons.

 

“I won't let that happen.” she promises.

 

“You finally gonna use that screwdriver?” he teases but Svetlana doesn't find any of this amusing.

 

“I'll put a bullet in his head. No-one will mess with our family.” She's making a lot of promises tonight.

 

“You're a pretty good wife.” Mickey says and means it in a fucked up kinda way that has come to represent this whole arrangement.

 

“Yeah and you are not a completely shitty husband.”

 

“Well, thanks”

 

She gets up to go back inside, using his shoulder to help her up.

 

“Hey uh...” Mickey calls as she opens the door, letting the cold air in.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I'm sorry about being a dick about the baby.”

 

“It complicated.” she says quietly after a brief silence and he knows she's talking about a hundred different things.

 

“I can't make him better.” he admits, speaking of complicated things, turning back around to face onto the street.

 

“You're not meant to. It not your fault he is sick. You didn't break him.”

 

“but he _is_ broken” he counters, turning back once more to face her as she hangs in the door way.

 

“We are all broken, Mickey.” she reminds him.

 

 *

 

Yevgeny cries and cries and cries and Mickey wishes he could do the same. The kid is passed from Svetlana to Mandy and back again and still his cries echo off the walls.

 

“Oh christ, give him here.” Mickey intervenes suddenly grabbing the small bundle from Svetlana and holding the baby close to his chest, rocking him, almost forcefully, until his cries largely subside.

 

“Too many women eh? I know that feeling. That's it. Come hang out with your old man.” Mickey's voice is soft as he moves across the room and Yevgeny blinks up at him, and Mickey is scared for completely different reasons.

 

*

 

“I wouldn't actually, you know, hurt you.” Ian shakes his head, hours later.

 

and Mickey actually laughs. “I wasn't worried.”

 

“I wouldn't ever put you in danger” Ian is insistent “except I did, didn't I?”

 

“Don't be so fucking dramatic.” Mickey's mutters, dismissively.

 

“That night in the Alibi, your father could have killed you.”

 

Mickey opens his mouth but Ian is in full flow now.

 

“Why would I do that? I _wouldn't_ do that. I wouldn't _ever_ put you in danger, I-” Ian cringes and his eyes water “but I did.”

 

“Ian, don't worry about it, it doesn't matter.”

 

“Of course, it matters. It all matters. It all counts. Everything that happened when I was manic.” Mickey realises that he is now part of a conversation that Ian has been having with himself.

 

“I don't want that the bad stuff not to matter because that would mean the good stuff doesn't either.” Ian reasons “Please tell me it counts.” he pleads and Mickey doesn't know if it does or not but tells him what he needs to hear.

 

“It all counts.”

 

Ian seems pacified by that and reaches out for him, something he hasn't done in weeks and Mickey knows they'll never be a time when he's not scared.

*

_...but that's not the same as being afraid._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah...? It got away from me a bit but I'm happy with it overall. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> you can find me over at [themoonoversoho](http://themoonoversoho.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
